I always have a plan. I have ideas set in my head of how things will look and how things will go. And things always happen exactly how I imagine they will.
Just kidding. But what a cool superpower that would be, right?
When I got pregnant, I couldn’t wait for my big round baby bump to show up. When I was 9 weeks along and bloated, I tried to dress it up like a cute little bump. It didn’t work.
I’ve always been the chubby girl. I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. Scale goes up, scale goes down, scale goes up, scale goes down…
I got pregnant at a time in my life when I was attempting to make the scale go down again. I had just started eating better for the hundredth time and was determined to make it a lifestyle change. Then I saw the two pink lines.
That wouldn’t change anything, I thought. I was still going to get in shape. I was overweight enough that I could lose weight during pregnancy and still grow a perfectly healthy baby. With doctor supervision, of course.
But then the aversions started. I couldn’t eat eggs or smell bacon. And stomaching a salad just was not appealing.
Shortly after the aversions left, the cravings kicked in. I needed to eat all the carbs or I was certain I would die.
Regardless, my body started to grow a baby. But it never ended up looking like I imagined it would. My bump was never perfectly round because of the little extra chub there. And then when my son came early and small, the bump never grew to the “about to pop” moment.
And so the bump jealousy set in.
I had bump jealousy of women on Instagram I had never met. Bump jealousy of family and friends that grew healthy, normal-sized babies in beautiful, perfectly round bellies.
I felt cheated. That’s the best part of pregnancy, right? Right after growing your human and eating a whole box of Oreos without anyone being allowed to judge you.
But when I look up from my phone and see my baby boy smiling at me, I remember something. My body grew a baby. My oval, chubby bump created my perfect son.
Sometimes I still feel that twinge of envy when I see a beautiful momma-to-be. But then remember the gift she is growing inside her belly. And instead of growling, I smile. I beat the bump jealousy…for now.